I admit. I am no love expert. In fact, I know very little about love, if at all. Other than the love I have for my loved ones, I don’t know much about romantic love. I mean I see it when I’m around couples who appear to be deeply in love, or in some cases, hurt by love. At my age, I would have thought that by now, love would have been something that I’d be able to relate to or be able to easily identify. But to tell the truth, it’s one of the most difficult feelings to describe. Ask me about fear or dislike or even anxiety and I can probably write a dissertation on each one of them. But love, that’s a bit more complicated. It means so many different things to so many people. And even when one is able to identify it, there are different points that run along the love spectrum making it even more difficult to fully understand: is true love?, is it real love? is it unconditional love? is it lust? is it a crush?, etc. So the very thought of love is, well, confusing.
Here’s the key, when you’ve really found love, when you can say you are truly in love, all of the uncertainties are suddenly vanished. From what I understand, it’s something you just know, something you feel, like magic, I guess. I’ve had deep feelings for people before. I’d think about them all of the time for like a month or so, then I’d really get to know them and wonder what the heck was I thinking?
But this time around, something is different. I think about him all of the time and it’s been about a year. He’s the first person I think about in the morning and the last person I think about before I go to bed. I dream about him occasionally. Even when I’m mad at him, my feelings towards him don’t change. I accept his flaws, his mishaps, his bad decisions, and his imperfect self. When he’s happy, I’m happy that he’s happy. I want to spoil him, I want to be held by him. When I listen to certain songs, I immediately think of him. I look forward to his phone calls and his text messages. And although I have these really deep feelings for him, I don’t want to tell him, not just yet. I’m not ready for the possible rejection or the possible non-mutual factor. To gain the confidence to utter the words “I love you—I think” only to have him respond by saying “I like you alot, but only as a friend” would be devastating. I’m not ready for that. But what I do know is harvesting these feelings takes a good amount of energy. If this is love, it feels darn good. And I can only imagine the feeling when it’s mutual. And in the words of New Edition, “if it isn’t love, why do I feel this way, why does she [he] stay on my mind?” Only time can tell.